You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
