mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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