I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
