So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
