living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
