I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
