your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
