no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
