Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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