At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
We left the knife in your bed.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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