I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
