Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
