And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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