our cab driver is having phone sex.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
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