No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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