hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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