Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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