I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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