she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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