She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
even my farts smell like vagina
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
