fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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