The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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