Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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