you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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