the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
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