A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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