If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
