It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
