I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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