ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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