I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
