we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
