Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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