We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
