Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
