Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
