RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
