no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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