I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
