my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
