we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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