I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
