You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
