i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
