So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i love accidental penises.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
