She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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