Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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