The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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