I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
