Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Randomize
