Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
