my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
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