you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
