Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
