ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Pants are for mortals
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
