She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
