The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
