Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I will be naked everywhere
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
