How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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