So drunk its hurt
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
