did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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