Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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