I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
