I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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